I have been reading a book called “Freedom” by Jeremy Griffin over recent months. It has got me to thinking/pondering on the human condition as he describes it and, also, my condition.
He describes “The Human Condition” as the confusing situation in which we find ourselves – where human beings are so selfish, self-centred, angry, aggressive and, generally, totally out of control and hateful. Why we wage wars, torture people and consume so voraciously, so selfishly the products and commodities that, in effect, should belong to all of us.
He claims in his book to have discovered the answer to the human condition and how we can eradicate it over time. The premise is that we need to be loved unconditionally [and love actually means unconditional anyway] and, if we were raised in unconditional love, we would not need to compete with others to feel fulfilled. His book is well worth a read, in my view, and, if nothing else, will stimulate your thinking.
In my case, it has certainly done that – over recent months I have pondered on how my behavior reflects these feelings of lack, why I seek satisfaction/happiness in things external, what has caused me to think the way I do and behave the way I do! The conclusion that I have drawn is that he is correct but, sadly, even if he is, most of us will not be capable of embracing the truth because we are so afraid of letting go of our “addictions”. I am not talking here just about the obvious addictions such as food, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, sport and so on but also the less obvious one, some of which are socially acceptable such as shopping, travel, exercise, having a beautiful body and so on. In my view, I suspect the greatest addiction that we have is the addiction to our “story” – the story of who we are, what we need/want and the belief that somehow “we” matter and the we are the centre of the Universe.I am not sure where this meandering of mine is leading me, but I will continue with this train of thought to see where it takes me. When I “meditate”, generally I am endeavouring to “still my mind” – that is, let my thoughts go passing by without grabbing hold of one and pursuing it, as if it matters and will lead me somewhere [not sure where that “somewhere” is but, over the years, have determined that, generally, following a thought seems to be some sort of endless loop process because, as soon as you seem to have processed one thought, another one arises which keep you chasing supposed outcomes. When I meditate and am able to just let those thoughts “drift by”, I can observe them but not buy into them, I find myself centred, momentarily feeling at peace and, oftentimes, actually quite thankful for just being here.
So, if Jeremy Grantham is correct and we can eradicate “The Human Condition” as he describes, why will we not do so? He articulates in his book that he faced tremendous opposition to the idea and, when I have mentioned the idea to my friends, I have noticed the same hostile reaction. I must admit that, when I first noticed this reaction, I was, quite frankly, amazed – people allegedly seeking freedom from the symptoms of the human condition, will dismiss, out of hand, a proposed solution, without even looking at it, considering it. That flabbergasted me! And, got me to thinking about my own reasons for not “embracing” it fully and changing my behaviors accordingly.
It seems to me very much like the scene in the movie “The Matrix” where the guy about to sell out the crew, is having dinner with the Matrix illusions and says something to the effect “I know this steak isn’t real but I want it anyway. I no longer wish to deal with the truth, just take me back to the illusion, the dream” [The state of numbness]. It seems that I am saying that to myself, every time I am too afraid to move forward.
I believe that, in my case, the reason for my lack of change has been nothing more than fear. My fear of letting go of my addictions. The poem below reflects some of my feelings around this:
"Addicted To My Story"
I'm addicted to my story
the story that is my life
I simply cannot let it go
cannot forget my strife
So, why will I not let it go?
the bullshit in my head
I know I should leave it behind
just leave behind my dread
The thoughts just seem to come and go
and most of them are bad
critical of what I have done
they simply make me sad
I seem so sad most all the time
I think of opportunities I've lost
of things I know it should have done
what has, then, been the cost?
The cost has been to me, immense
I simply hate myself
for being such an idiot
and sitting on the shelf
I've stood by and watched my life
just simply waste away
and here I am at 58
starting another day
Another day of drudgery
where I just feel so weak
where I just simply hate myself
for being, oh, so meek
I've been afraid to stretch myself
to do the things I want
to do the things I should have done
an idiot savant!
Oh, yes, I am addicted to
the thoughts that swirl around
inside my head, they never go
no peace from them is found
So, I have turned to alcohol
and drugs to silence them
in stupor can I find some peace?
I need to find a gem
A gem of wisdom inside of me
I simply pray to find
So that I can just get away
from meanderings of mind
So, please dear Universe I ask
that you direct me to
the truth I know that can be found
where I can see what's true
Can I ever find the truth?
of who I really am?
Can I ever hope to live?
a simply better man?
Can I glimpse the afterlife?
where perhaps I'll find
some peace away from all these thoughts
away from my simple mind?
What hope is there for me today?
to not dwell on my death
a day where hope can reign supreme
a part of nature's breath
Can I have a peaceful day?
Oh, God, for this I simply pray
I want to have a better life
My fears to just allay
Of suicide I often think
constantly on my mind
wishing that I had the courage to take my life
and leave my fears behind
It sounds just so depressing I know
I wish it wasn't so
but all my life I've struggled here
wishing that I could go
How can it be that I think like this?
where deep inside I feel
that there has to be more than this
these thoughts cannot be real
The thoughts of fear, of hate for self
where do they really come from?
does God want me to live like this?
surely not!
So, there are my thoughts for today.
Happy pondering, fellow travellers!
Awakenings 